Emily ▲ Fitch

" On s'habitue à tout, même au bonheur. "

You say "Have you been crying?" and I say "Shut Up". So we sit in the garden and touch the grass with our hands. The sun is going down now and it's been okay. I tell you all these things I did while you was away and this worries you somewhat.

I say I'm fine.

Listen.

Can you hear it?

Does it speak?

Will I feel it?

Will it hurt?

Am I near it?

I dont know

I dont know how more people haven´t got mental health problems. Thinking is one of those stressful things I've ever come across and not being able to articulate what I want to say drives me crazy... I think I should try and read more books and learn some new words. My sister used to read the dictionary, i'm going to start with that. I'd like to travel: I want to see India and the pyramids, United States and England. I'm not sure about rivers, they scare me but I love swimming, I'm good at it when I swim I think about numbers and count the laps.When I was younger I saw a house burnt down and I walked past it everyday for the next six years. Derelict, black, chalky and dangerous.. I wondered if squatters lived there. I'm still not sure but I know there were never any parties cuz it was shit. After a while the council got round to tidying out the town, making it less offensive here and there. They said it was an eyesore so they let tore it down. Behind the house was a wall with a few bits of crappy graffiti and the word 'Cunt' written on it in giant letters and now I walk past that. I like sitting in the park and I like walking through it. I like taking my dogs there and friends, and I like being alone. I like flowers and simplicity, I like compassion and thoughtful gifts. I like being able to shout but I wish I could be quiet. When I'm quiet people think I'm sad. And usually I am. Sometimes when I'm at a busy train station. Somewhere big with the noisy trains like King´s Cross.. I feel like putting down my bags and shouting things out because I've got something to say.  

Don't you want to share the guilt? Don't think, just try and sleep.